remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
