the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
