I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Randomize