Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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