before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
