I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
