Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
