oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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