found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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