I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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