Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
operation harelip BJ is a go
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
