I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
