So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
