Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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