Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
