I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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