Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
