I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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