I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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