she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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