im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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