im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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