just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
