How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
