The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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