Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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