I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
