I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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