just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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