I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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