Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
