I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
