White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
