I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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