i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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