i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
