If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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