I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
