wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
