she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
