Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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