Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
