How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
