Life is so much better after having sex.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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