its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
