the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
