I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
