I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
These tits shall not be calmed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
