take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
