Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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