my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
