It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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