i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
