Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
40s are totally the cure
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
