Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
