i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
